I Never Thought I’d Still Be Here

I've always loved to write and my mother has always encouraged me to do so. A number of months ago she encouraged me to enter the Real Simple Essay contest. I mulled over the topic for a while and while driving home one day, the essay just came to me. So I sat down and wrote it out and sent it off. I was pretty pleased with my essay. There were some 3000 entries and I did not place in the top three, but I'm okay with that. Just doing it was a big step for me. So since I didn't get published in a big fancy magazine, I thought I'd publish it myself on my blog. The topic was "I never thought I'd...."

When I was 18, and choosing which college to attend, my requirements were that it be a small to medium sized school and be a minimum of 5 hours away. I was ready to get out of dodge! The idea was that it be far enough away that it would be ridiculous to get home every weekend but still close enough that I (or my parents) could make the drive to go home if I really wanted. After a little bit of ennie-mennie-miny-mo, I settled on Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. It fit my two criteria perfectly. The four years that followed were some of the best/hardest/craziest times in my life. I made great friends, I grew up and I finished college with two degrees. Now what?

Along with the majority of my friends, I was once again ready to get out of town. Ugh. Peoria. It’s boring. There’s nothing exciting to do. So who wants to stays there? One of my friends was headed to Washington, DC to attend grad school. Another was headed to Chicago to finish her physical therapy degree. Another was headed out to Colorado to attend Law School. Such exciting places! I wanted to go! My family had always had an affinity for Colorado and the mountains and so it was ingrained in me that that was where one strived to live. So I talked to the girl going to law school and decided to go out with her. I would be her roommate. She found us a nice apartment. I procured us a cat and some furniture. We were all set.

But what about a job? I was graduating from college in a few weeks…which meant my sole focus had been getting through finals. I had no idea even how to begin looking for a job that was nearly 1000 miles away. I tried some of the “monstrously big” websites, but shockingly only got some “work at home” offers. I guess I could just go out and get a serving job until I landed a “real” job.

During my senior year at Bradley, I had landed a great internship with the local ballet company working on…well, on whatever they needed me to do. I distinctly remember that my first day there I spent killing flies. They had just expanded and were doing some remodeling that left the building open to the elements, and bugs. From there things picked up. I believe the title was Marketing Intern, but the job encompassed so much more. I was able to gain a lot of knowledge through some great experiences. The people in charge were nice and encouraged me mentally and creatively. As the school year was winding down, they began to ask where I was headed and what I was going to do from there. Somehow it came up that there may be a full time position available for me if I stayed.

Crap. So you’re telling me I can have a job, essentially handed to me (which every graduate is striving to get), if I give up my dream of moving to Colorado and stay in Illinois. I could move out West and quite possibly end up serving strangers dinner to make ends meet, or I could stay in Peoria and take a full time job, in which I knew the work, liked my coworkers, and would make a great addition to my resume. It was a decision I wrestled with for some time. I had been itching to get out of town. I got great satisfaction in telling people I was moving to Colorado and watching their faces turn a shade of jealous. I couldn’t just give up that dream. Could I?

But of course I did. I played the safe card, and when they came at me with an offer, took the full time position at the ballet. Now I had to face my future roommate and tell her I was not going to be moving with her. It was awful. I knew she was depending on me for not only half the rent, but for moral support. I felt so bad. We parted ways civilly, but have rarely spoken since then. It’s still a choice I second guess myself on now and again, but I’ve learned I can’t change it, so it’s best not to dwell on it.

So now I was a real citizen of Peoria. Things kind of fell into place from there. I was able to sublease an apartment from friend in the building I’d been living in for the past year and another of my other good friends from school was sticking around Peoria too. I had a real job, friends and a place to live. Life was pretty good. Sure I was still in Peoria, but it wasn’t permanent; I was on a three year plan. My idea was to stick with the ballet job for three years to gain some good experience and then find a new job in some fantastic city far away. Maybe Savannah, Georgia. Maybe I’d finally make it to Colorado. I just knew I wasn’t going to stick around Peoria for long!

And yet, seven years later I am still living in the Peoria area. I’ve switched jobs but not cities. I even took a more permanent step a few years ago when I bought my own house. I still claim, on occasion, that I’ll be moving out of the area in one to three years, but I’m not so steadfast in that aspiration any longer. Over the years, two of my good college friends have settled into the Peoria area, and another is just an hour south. I’ve also made new friends and developed some great contacts. I’ve learned that there is plenty to do in Peoria, if you look around. There’s a thriving arts community and a respectable museum that garners some top exhibits. There is good food to be eaten in every corner of the city and some great concerts to be seen. On any given weekend, there are a number of events to attend that cater to numerous crowds, from motorcycle rallies to business conventions to festivals for every type of food you can imagine! From time to time, I wonder if I’d be happier in a bigger city, or just any other city, but I come to the conclusion that my life is here and that is what makes me happy.

Geographical location does not always determine your happiness. For me, it’s the friends I have around me and the life I’ve made here. I never thought I’d still be here, but now I’m pretty content calling Peoria home.

Three Decades

Today is my 30th birthday. I have now been traipsing around on this earth for 3 decades.

Wow.

When I was 21 I had a timeline for myself. I wanted things for myself in a timely manner...on my schedule. Ya know, cute boy, engagement, wedding, house, baby, etc. When I hit the first major year of that timeline and hadn't hit the goal, I was thrown off a little. A little flustered. I adjusted a bit. A second year on my milestone timeline came and went and I was not able to check it off either.

I got it. The timeline was crap. And out the window it went. I realized I have to take things as they come, whenever they come. And most importantly, believe they will.

One thing I did vow to myself was that there were certain things I didn't want when I turned 30. I didn't want to be in a strained relationship. Or in a job I hated. I didn't want to dwell on the negative things that had happened. And I wanted more general things. I want to be happy. I want a social life that included helping people. I want to be surrounded by positive people.

And for the most part, I have hit THOSE marks. And if I'm not all the way there, I am making a whole-hearted effort to get there. Its not the silly tangible things of my youth, its the things that make me who I am and how I feel about myself and my life.

So bring on the 30's. I'm ready for them. I'm open to what they may bring, but I'm not putting any timeline on them.

Frogs or Asses

We all know the story of the princess and the frog. Until she plants a big fat juicy one on him, this great prince of a man remains an ugly warty frog. And as soon as her lips touch that slimy skin, a handsome wonderful prince appeared.

And they lived happily ever after.

Do you think the story would be the same if it was an ass? If a woman kissed the right ass, could he become the man she always wanted?

Love Isn't All You Need

...But it is important.

I've been in a number of different relationships. Each teaching me something about myself and about what I was looking for in that ultimate relationship.

I'm a big fan of the song "Love is All You Need," but the notion is preposterous. (Ok, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but its not really true.) I loved the last guy I was with. We had fun. He made me laugh. I felt completely loved by him and I truly loved him.

BUT...it didn't work. It couldn't work. There were some fundamental basics missing. He was a smart guy, but had no work ethic and no desire to make an effort. He did the bare minimum. I grew up instilled with a strong work ethic. If you want the nice things in life, you have to work for them. And let me tell you I want the nice things! So I worked my little tushy off and Mr did the just enough to keep a job...if he felt like it. More than once, I came home from work and he told me he quit...just because. And he was never in a hurry to find another job. It drove me nuts.

But I still loved him.

We didn't have the same morals and values either. When it came down to deep conversations and serious issues, we didn't see eye to eye. Sure its good to hear different view points, but he could be so far out there on some things that I didn't see how we would ever be able to come to an understanding or a middle meeting point.

I woke up one day and realized I could never have children with this man. I couldn't depend on him to provide for a family and what ideals that I held to be important, would he then discourage to our child/ren? It was a frightening eye opening moment. We discussed it at length a number of times, but at the core of who we are, we can't change. This wasn't going to work.

So yeah, we loved each other...but its not all you need.

Black vs White

I saw "Black Swan" tonight.

I was drawn to this movie for a couple of reasons. One, I totally have a girl crush on Natalie Portman. I want her to be my best friend. I'm weird...I understand that. Two, after working at a ballet company for a few years, I am intrigued by the ballet and related things

So a friend warned me that it was a little odd. In fact, she became speechless when trying to explain it to me. So I knew going in not to have any real expectations. I'll just say that I agree, it was odd. But it was good. Not that I necessarily want to see it again, but worth going to see at least once.

So the movie is based around Nina, Natalie Portman's character, who tries out and eventually gets the lead part in the ballet Swan Lake. Normally danced by two characters, this time the White and Black Swan are the same. Nina is perfect for the innocent and graceful White Swan, but has trouble fully capturing the spirit of its opposite in the Black Swan. Mila Kunis plays Lily, another ballerina, new to the company, who seems to embody the Black Swan and provides competition for Nina.

Part of it deals with the fact that Nina is so perfect for the pure and innocent character, because she is that way, but has a hard time becoming the scheming, seductive Black Swan. Minus all the craziness that ensues, I realized I related to this part of the story. I've always wanted to be like Lily/Mila...she just exudes this energy where you know if you go out with her you'll come home with stories. Nina/Natalie on the other hand, would be interesting to sit and have coffee and good conversation with. But if you want a wild night out, you probably wouldn't choose Nina/Natalie. And really, Natalie would probably never been cast as a wild woman...because she just doesn't look like one...and its hard to believe she could convincingly play that type of character. Not that she isn't a good actress...but its like when Jack Black plays serious characters - he does well, its just kinda awkward from a viewers point of view.

The point of this is that I feel like I am the Nina/Natalie character (well minus the crazy part of Nina). I could portray the White Swan very convincingly, but would be harder pressed to convince anyone as the Black Swan. There are days when I wish I could be more Black Swan-ish, carefree, a little wild and to be the fun one. But I am the quiet one. The one you'll find in the corner talking with one or two people, not the one in the middle of the room with a crowd surrounding her. I'm calm and graceful, not wild and seductive. I've tried to be that other person, but it doesn't last long. As much as I want a wild side, I'm always going to be mostly white.

The Bookstore

When I walk into a bookstore, my senses are immediately heightened. A chill of excitement runs through my body as I walk into the rows and rows of books. As I glace at the first table of books I can feel my heart start to race. I can not wait to put my hands on the textured cover of the latest bestselling hardcover or to run my fingers over a sleek magazine cover. Coffee is generally the strongest scent, enticing me to stop by the cafe for one of the hot, fragrant beverages. As I wrap my fingers around the warm cup, I head back out to the rows of books and begin to browse. The magazines with their shiny and colorful covers catch my eye and I peruse by, reading the headlines that are screaming for my attention. Sometimes I'll get sucked in and pull one from the shelf to skim, checking out the bright ads and the beautiful clothes and accessories that create in me an envious passion for them. I realize I will probably never have access to the majority of items in the magazine and return it to the shelf. I walk out of Periodicals and return to the real reason I've come, to the books that are calling my name. They call me from Chick Lit and Romance. I walk by the Pet section and am drawn to the slick covers with handsome looking pups on them. Some days the Self Help books call me to check them out, and sometimes even the technical books on the latest gadget make me stop and glance. By far, the place that always calls the loudest, is Bargain Row. For one reason or another, these books have been placed here and marked down way below their value...and as a bargain hunter, I can not generally pass up this delicious section. I take my time and wonder though, reading all the titles and picking up a book here and there to flip through its interiors filled with a variety of information. It is this variety that intrigues me most. There are trivia books, game books, books on a dog's thoughts, and books about every war. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll come across a golden nugget, something I've had my eye on for some time. Perhaps a book on 'tape' who's author's golden voice has been cooing me to listen for the last few months, or a new journal, fresh with possibilities, or a book who's title and cover I can not turn my eyes from. My heart quickens again at the prospect of bringing this item home with me. I feel like this item could change my future. As I hold the item in my hands and turn it over, inspecting front, back and the internal contents, the rest of the store recedes and I am left alone with my new found friend. It is a rush like no other when the purchase is made and the bag with my precious new item is handed to me. I am free to take it home and bask within it and I am content...until the next time I walk through those doors.

For Your Information

Girls may be CR-A-ZY

...but...

Boys are STUPID.

Just keep that in mind.