Hitting the Wall

Sometimes phrases pop into my head and I think, that would be a great start to a blog or book. So I repeat the phrase to ensure I remember it...inevitably forgetting all about it 15 minutes later.

The point is I'm not so good at making myself sit down and actually write. I love to write. And sometimes when I do sit down, it just flows. But there are other days, generally the days when I have time to write, that I have forgotten those little phrases that would make a great post.

So about six months ago, I declared I was going to write a book. I've even got a title. I'm not sure how much to share on this wide open internet, as I really want to get this book going, so I'll just say its about how sometimes in relationships girls act irrationally. Basically. I intend for it to be a fun, light read.

The last few days a lot of thoughts have been swirling in my head and I haven't really had the opportunity to discuss them outloud, so after I got out of the shower this morning, I told myself to sit down and write. A great quote popped into my mind and got me started.

I told myself, write for one hour. I got about 35 minutes in and hit the wall...so I got up and got a piece of candy. Wrote another sentence. Got up and let the dog out. Rewrote the last sentence. Starred out the window at the dog. Starred at the last sentence I wrote. Let the dog in. Decided I needed some inspiration, so I googled some stuff. Jotted a couple notes down (yes on a real piece of paper). Now that candy made me thirsty, so up for a glass of water. I sat down all ready to continue writing, but just starred. Gosh darn it, I've got all day with nothing to do and its the perfect time to work on my book and I can't make it past a half page.

So I turned to blogging about it.

I remember a teacher of mine saying just like anything else you want to do better, you have to practice. So maybe I'm just out of practice. I need to do some writing exercise and I need to do them daily (wow, and apparently I need to practice my spelling too because it just took me five minutes to figure out how to spell exercise).

Why I Don't Vote

My parents were not especially political. In fact I don't recall it ever being a topic of conversation in my house. I never paid much attention to elections and politics in general. Then in college I lived with two political science majors. Elections, bills, laws, Senate Majority Leader, were regular topics of conversations (I was not included in these conversations, I just listened as I had no idea what they were actually talking about). They tried their darnedest to educate me, but not much sunk in. Well maybe not much sunk in, but it has made me more aware of the political world...doesn't mean I understand, just that I know its there and that it sounds like a big fat mess.

That leads me to the point of this post... the big fat mess. You can't turn any where right now without being inundated by ads for the upcoming election. At first they weren't so bad. Just introducing us to the candidates, giving us their take on important issues a few times during prime time tv. And then suddenly they were everywhere and they were getting nasty. The other day I was playing one of those stupid little addicting games on MSN and while my game was loading, an ad for the governor's seat played. Seriously? Is that necessary? I don't think the innundation would bother me so much if not for the content of the ads now. They have gotten mean and vicious. Why would I want to vote for either of you? You're telling me this guy didn't pay his taxes but wants everyone else to pay more but my other option is the guy who voted to give himself a raise but left the budget $13 million in the red.

Don't tell me why NOT to vote for the other guy! Tell me why I SHOULD vote for you! Isn't that why I should vote? So that you can make a change and make our world better? But how are you going to do that, how will I know you CAN do that, if all you're telling me is all the mistakes your opponent makes? And didn't your mother ever tell if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?!?

I recently read an article that stated that negative ads work and "when they stop working, we'll stop running them." Well you don't give us another option. Try us. Give us an election where at least one candidate only runs positive ads and see what happens. I bet they get votes soley on the basis that they didn't say anything negative about anyone else. What are we telling future generations? It doesn't matter what you can do, its how bad you can make your opponent look.

Can't we change this way of doing things?

My Fear

"#4: Either Bristol has a really big head or her partner has a really small one. "

Per Popbytes.com

This is one of my biggest fears. I'm a tall girl. My body is proportionally bigger than most people's. I'm always fearful that my head will appear gigantically larger than whoever I'm with. I slightly dread the first picture I see of myself and the guy I'm dating or my new friend. Will I look absolutely ridiculous?

Irrational fear. Gotta love it.

The Dreaming Sleeper

What Your Sleep Personality Says About Your Waking Life

How personality, sleep and health are intertwined.
By Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness

The Dreaming Sleeper

Can you vividly recall your dreams each morning? Your sleep style indicates that you are likely highly creative in your waking life.
"People with an intensely high level of dream recall have something called 'thin borders,'" says James Pagel, M.D., director of the Sleepworks Laboratory in Colorado Springs, Colo. "That means that for them, everything is in shades of gray, there's not whole lot of black or white. They’re not purely Democrats or Republicans; they are not quite asleep or awake; and they define much of their lives in that way."
Such people tend to be odd and quirky—and although most are perfectly normal, they are at higher risk than others for schizophrenia.

*I ran across this article this morning and this was the part that related to me. I feel that the description of "shades of gray" is exactly me. I don't have a favorite color, or strongly dislike another. I tend to sit in the middle in a lot of arguments...I see both sides. And I remember at least some part of a dream nearly every morning. Makes for some interesting stories...

Random Musings

I could do without estrogen some days. Its just a pain in my ass.

I went in for wiper blades and cat food but couldn't leave without ice cream and cookies too.

I'm glad my weekends aren't over planned...but I wish I had a few more things to do.

I will know my Prince Charming when he takes me to Disney World.

There is no major difference between my Victoria Secret underwear and my Hanes ones, but I definitely feel sexier in my Vickies.

Sitcoms have given me an unrealistic expectation for my friends. I want friends my age that want to hang out at the bar or coffee house every day.

The crappy thing about dating is that I have to keep my legs shaved again.

I spent like 15 minutes deciding on underwear in Wal-mart today. When I got home, I realized I picked up the wrong style. Damn it.

(That last one could really be a metaphor for my life recently.)

I Can See Cleary Now...

Sometimes you miss something for so long that you build it up to be this great and amazing thing that is missing from your life. And then sometimes you get it back, or part of it back, for maybe just a moment, and you realize its not as good as you remember.

I feel like a lot of times, failed relationships fall into this category. Doesn't matter who broke up with who or how long its been, but sometimes we tend to remember only the good parts and build those up. But then you run into your ex and remember why you broke up...that yes, the good was good, but there was a reason for the break up.

And sometimes it comes as a moment of clarity. God bless moments of clarity. Sometimes, I'm just driving down the street and I suddenly realize something...maybe its that I'm finally over him, or that I'm actually happy with what I've got. But it just comes out of the blue. And its like suddenly the sun comes shinning through the clouds and I can breath better.

And sometimes, that moment of clarity is just what to make for dinner.

Fall is more than just leaves.

I love fall for many reasons, but right now I love it for...

FALL TV PREMIERE WEEK!!

That's right. I am so excited to have all my friends back with new stories for me. :)

I think I'm going to have to sit down and make a game plan of how to approach the week. Don't want to miss any!

Lessons Learned

They say you learn something from every relationship you're in.

I don't know who "they" is, but I believe that. If you can't take away something learned from a relationship, then you really did just waste the past few weeks/months/years of your life.

Heading back into the dating world, I started thinking about what exactly I had learned from my previous relationships. Some, I had a hard time coming up with something and others I could have made a list, but here's what I've taken away from them:

High School Boyfriend: Trust Your Gut

My first real boyfriend. In my naivety, I believed it was true love and we'd be together a long time (maybe not forever, I mean I was a smart girl who'd be leaving for college). Anyway, we had a good relationship, and as the summer wore to a close, I could tell something was going amiss. But that was all in my head. Right? We went to a going away party towards the end of the summer and HSbf disappeared for a while. I asked around, and they said he was downstairs. I ignored it for a while, but something started to bug me so I went down to check, he was down there with the host's sister. It seemed innocent enough, they were just sitting there talking. But still, it didn't feel right. So I asked him to come up...both of them actually...to return to the party upstairs. He kind of blew me off. I returned to my friends upstairs but couldn't shake the uneasy feeling. I later was informed that he was messing around with the girl in the basement. When I confronted him he didn't deny it. Said we wouldn't have made it much longer anyway since we were going different directions for school. I was heartbroken, but lesson learned. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Bad Boy #1: Boys are Messy

Hey I didn't say they'd all be deep lessons. And this is a lesson I'd learn over and over and over again. And that as much as you ask (or bitch) about the filth, in the end its who they are, and you can rarely change that.

Bad Boy #2: Take Heart In Your Best Friend's Opinion

Really this was another "trust your gut" lesson, but emotions can get in the way and outwit your gut.

Stupid emotions.

Anyway, its not that I've learned that my Best Friend has to adore my Boyfriend, but her opinion should count. She knows you as well as you know you, and sometimes better...cuz she doesn't have stupid emotions running around clouding things up. If she says something is weird, take a moment to step back and look at it objectively. She wants you to be happy, she's not trying to sabotage your love life. Often times, she can see things you can't. In my case, she saw things I didn't want to acknowledge, and pointed them out so as to spare my feelings in the long run. I didn't listen though. And guess what? She was right. And I got hurt. But she was there to pick up the pieces and help me keep moving. So now I weigh her opinion a little heavier.


Bad Boy #3: Having and Keeping a Job is about More than Just Getting Up and Going To It

Yeah, I went through a Bad Boy phase. They even all looked alike. Looking back, its rather disturbing.

Not only did I go through a bad boy phase, there were also a number of waiters (I was one too and it was a revolving door of new people...great place to meet guys! Or so I thought). I was a server too, so I don't dis the job. What I don't understand is being complacent with the job. It was never a job I intended to keep for the rest of my life. It was to help me get through school and then give me a little extra fun money. But I had higher aspirations...get a job with regular hours and benefits and a steady paycheck.

I dated what I refer to as 'career servers.' Some of them were great people, but not long term relationship material. It is not just a job at that point, its a mindset. And what I learned was that it meant they didn't want to grow up and take responsibility for themselves...they were the most important people in their lives and thinking of others first was not their strong point.

From the collection of relationships, I've also learned to that I have to be me. Yes, there are compromises to be made, but not about my core beliefs and morals.

Sometimes, its fun to learn new lessons, sometimes it unbelievably difficult. But at the end of the day, I know its ok because they've all gotten me to where I am today, and all these lessons will be stored and used for the right relationship.

Captured

There are some photographs that make you smile for one reason or another every time you see them. Sometimes they are candid shots that take you back to a moment or sometimes they are the posed shot where everyone looks their best, and that's how you want to always remember them. I was recently looking at some of my photos and found some group shots that I just love. I think they are mostly posed shots, but they capture something that I love. So I figured I'd share them.

This photo was taken at Anna's wedding shower. It was at a fancy golf course or something, so we all had to dress up. But we all look our best. Sara will complain because she's pregnant in the photo, but whatever. Its one of my absolute favorites of all of us. I feel like we look like the group I always wanted to be a part of...the pretty girls who have done alright.

I feel like to fully appreciate the above picture, you have to see where we started, five (maybe six) years prior:

This is one of those pictures where we may not look our best, but that's how we looked. I love these girls still today, eleven years later!

This is another one of those perfect shots. Sure its posed, but we all look our best...and that background...that was the actual sky that night. We were all just so happy.

Just one more...for now...
Senior year. This was our 'family' Christmas card. Yup, we sent out a card with all of us on it to our friends and family and we were darn proud of it. It was one crazy (and slightly hellish) year, but we leaned on each other and made it though. Thanks roomies!

I could load this up with my favorite photographs, but I'll stop here.

Dork.

It used to be an insult to be called a dork, and depending on the context, it still can be. But that being said, I've learned to embrace the dork that I am and confidently roll with it.

I was a tall, lanky, smart girl in school who played in the band and loved science and math. It was the perfect makings for a dork. I wasn't taunted or made fun of in school (at least to my face), I was comfortable in my dorkiness and wasn't really bothered by it...I hadn't embraced it yet, but I knew that I wasn't a bad person and I had plenty of friends. It wasn't until sometime in college that I embraced the fact that I was a dork, I was just a little off from 'normal' and that was okay.

It hit me the other day that in the whole dating process while I'm looking for a tall, good looking guy who's smart, confident, stable and funny, I'm much more attracted to someone when they let it show they too are just a little dorky. While in the fairy tale world, I want the perfect guy, the truth is that would make me uber self-conscious. I would be concerned that I would say the wrong thing or make a fool out of myself. The truth is, when a guy shows his dorky side, I find it endearing.

But there is a line...its not all that 'fine'....its just there...maybe a sliding scale...

Yes, I find it endearing when guys have a bit of a dork inside them, but I'm not looking for all dork. No need to be obsessed with Star Trek or Worlds of Warcraft. I'm not looking for conversations to continually focused around our solar system, the beginning of time or how awesome computers are and how much he knows about them.

But if he lets it slip that his favorite show is MythBusters because its fascinating, or that he can recall random facts that can only be used in trivia games, I find that sexy.

I'll admit it... I ♥ Dorks.

Love

Sometimes life gives you just what you need.

A few weeks ago, I was going through a rough patch (okay maybe for a few months). Work was blah. Life was blah. Relationships were crap. I was just in one of those down times. I had to work one Saturday morning and as I sat at the desk counting down the time until I could leave, one of our special needs kids came in the office. We've been introduced a couple times but he'd never talked to me before. He came right up to me and introduced himself, so politely I introduced myself back. He then took my hand and said, "I love you very much."

I think I almost cried. It was just sweet and unexpected and it was something I needed to hear...even if it was from a random child.

Later that same day I went over to my friend's house. Her two daughters were eating a snack at the table so I went and sat with them and chatted. They told me what they had been up to and how they liked the flower in my hair. I got up at one point to get a drink and the youngest started talking and then said, "You know what, I love you."

There's a line in an old movie that I used to watch with my roommates that said something to the effect of "Little children and old men don't say it for it to be said in return" in reference to "I love you."

Its just something interesting to ponder.

What I've Learned

Since I joined the dating world again recently, there are a few things I've learned. The basic principles never change, but if you're out of the loop for a while, you see some things with fresh eyes when you get back.

Boys & Cars

Call me old fashioned, but I find something yummy about a guy who knows his way around a car. He doesn't necessarily have to be able to take apart an engine and put it back together in working order, but change the oil, fix a belt...you know the basics. But this is what I've learned...my generation of guys don't know how to do any of these things. Or if they do know how to work on cars, they have no other education and very few teeth (I'm making a very general statement there, so I apologize if you, my reader, can work on cars AND read).

What are fathers teaching their sons now a days? Isn't that how fathers and sons are supposed to bond? By working on the family car together? I know, there I go again with my old fashioned-ness Its disappointing that the majority of guys in my generation can barely find the dipstick. Even I know where the coolant goes and what it sounds like if a belt is going bad. Thanks Dad.

Photo Op

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all judge people (just a little) on their appearance. Dating sites are no different. The photo you choose for your online profile can be the difference between attracting someone of your caliber, or attracting someone who...well someone you don't want to attract.

One thing I've noticed though is the type of photos that men are posting (though I've noticed women do to on like Facebook and such...). Self portraits. Honestly, I found it a little off putting at first. Don't you have to be vain to do that? Doesn't that show that you don't have any friends to take pictures of you? Really? You need to capture yourself on film at that exact moment and no one else is around? Hm. I've seen some sites where people have like 15+ picture that they took themselves. Excessive! Right?

And then I started putting together my profile. I started looking through my collection of photos. Funny. I have lots of photos...but I'm the one taking the pictures of other people. And I'm often the only one with a camera. So I've got one with my mom...but I look fat...I've got one with my ex...but that's not appropriate for a dating site...I've got one someone snapped in which I've got a funny face. But where are the cute ones? The ones that highlight my best features and where the sun hits my hair just perfectly? Well I'm not a model, so those don't exist. But, maybe I can get close if I try a couple myself.

So I did. And got one that I actually like. And when I put it on my profile, I got a bunch of new hits! Woo.

The other photos I continuously run across have to do with cars (ironically, ones they don't know a thing about). An oldie but a goodie is the classic, "standing in front of my car." Many times the cars are not that impressive. And I really don't care what you drive (well I prefer its not a junker...but beyond that...). And generally, they just look like a big dork in front of them. The new style photo I've seen popping up combines the previous two...a self portrait in the car...what looks like is taken from the steering wheel while driving. WTF? Really? And I don't understand why it is popping up all over guys' profiles. Not just one or two...but like 50% of them! I don't get it.

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And this is what I've learned recently. I have a feeling there will be more related posts as I actually start dating. The dating world is crazy and odd and I feel it is now my duty to share it.

I Did It!

As I was skimming through my old posts, I came across the one from last September in which I let my opinion about running be known. My last statement was that I just wanted to be able to say I ran a 5K.

Well guess what!?

I ran a 4 mile race!!

(That's longer than a 5k.)

And I didn't die. And I did it in a decent time.

I'm pretty proud of myself and have been telling everyone.

Now I didn't do it without some help. It started back in April, when a friend convinced me to check out the Building Steam program. It was a running training program that was to get you trained for the Steamboat Classic, a 4 mile race. It was supposed to be for runners of all abilities. I had just gotten out of a relationship, so I figured 1. it would help me get out and meet people, 2. it would help me get out and meet guys, and 3. it would help me get into shape (since #2 was going to occur). So I went and signed up for it.

Every Wednesday evening, I would meet up with my group and run. The first night was like a time trial...we had to run one mile and then according to our time we were placed in groups. That was the first mile I'd run since high school...and I'm not even sure I ran a full mile in high school! But I wasn't all that bad. I landed in an 11:30 pace group. The group started with a three minute run, three minute walk and from that worked up to 4 miles! All while keeping our pace of 11:30. I didn't want to go every week, but I almost always made myself (only missed two weeks). I always felt good afterward. I even ran a few times on my own.

Sadly though, I did not meet any new people. No new men. But I have a new appreciation for running. On multiple occasions it made me think of the ad from "What Women Want"

Triumphant Return

Its been a long time since I've blogged. I've missed it.

As my comeback, I'm going to share a video that was shared on Facebook this afternoon by one of my 'friends.'

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"



A reminder that there are positive things all around us if we look.

So here is my list:
I love my dog. I love my cat. I love my mom. I love my dad. I even love my brother. I like my house and my car. I like my hair and getting haircuts. I like my job. I like the stories of 4 year olds. I like this mild weather. I like my vegetable garden in my back yard. I like swimming. I like reading. I love chocolate cake. I like writing. I like designing. I can do anything good!