Lessons Learned

They say you learn something from every relationship you're in.

I don't know who "they" is, but I believe that. If you can't take away something learned from a relationship, then you really did just waste the past few weeks/months/years of your life.

Heading back into the dating world, I started thinking about what exactly I had learned from my previous relationships. Some, I had a hard time coming up with something and others I could have made a list, but here's what I've taken away from them:

High School Boyfriend: Trust Your Gut

My first real boyfriend. In my naivety, I believed it was true love and we'd be together a long time (maybe not forever, I mean I was a smart girl who'd be leaving for college). Anyway, we had a good relationship, and as the summer wore to a close, I could tell something was going amiss. But that was all in my head. Right? We went to a going away party towards the end of the summer and HSbf disappeared for a while. I asked around, and they said he was downstairs. I ignored it for a while, but something started to bug me so I went down to check, he was down there with the host's sister. It seemed innocent enough, they were just sitting there talking. But still, it didn't feel right. So I asked him to come up...both of them actually...to return to the party upstairs. He kind of blew me off. I returned to my friends upstairs but couldn't shake the uneasy feeling. I later was informed that he was messing around with the girl in the basement. When I confronted him he didn't deny it. Said we wouldn't have made it much longer anyway since we were going different directions for school. I was heartbroken, but lesson learned. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Bad Boy #1: Boys are Messy

Hey I didn't say they'd all be deep lessons. And this is a lesson I'd learn over and over and over again. And that as much as you ask (or bitch) about the filth, in the end its who they are, and you can rarely change that.

Bad Boy #2: Take Heart In Your Best Friend's Opinion

Really this was another "trust your gut" lesson, but emotions can get in the way and outwit your gut.

Stupid emotions.

Anyway, its not that I've learned that my Best Friend has to adore my Boyfriend, but her opinion should count. She knows you as well as you know you, and sometimes better...cuz she doesn't have stupid emotions running around clouding things up. If she says something is weird, take a moment to step back and look at it objectively. She wants you to be happy, she's not trying to sabotage your love life. Often times, she can see things you can't. In my case, she saw things I didn't want to acknowledge, and pointed them out so as to spare my feelings in the long run. I didn't listen though. And guess what? She was right. And I got hurt. But she was there to pick up the pieces and help me keep moving. So now I weigh her opinion a little heavier.


Bad Boy #3: Having and Keeping a Job is about More than Just Getting Up and Going To It

Yeah, I went through a Bad Boy phase. They even all looked alike. Looking back, its rather disturbing.

Not only did I go through a bad boy phase, there were also a number of waiters (I was one too and it was a revolving door of new people...great place to meet guys! Or so I thought). I was a server too, so I don't dis the job. What I don't understand is being complacent with the job. It was never a job I intended to keep for the rest of my life. It was to help me get through school and then give me a little extra fun money. But I had higher aspirations...get a job with regular hours and benefits and a steady paycheck.

I dated what I refer to as 'career servers.' Some of them were great people, but not long term relationship material. It is not just a job at that point, its a mindset. And what I learned was that it meant they didn't want to grow up and take responsibility for themselves...they were the most important people in their lives and thinking of others first was not their strong point.

From the collection of relationships, I've also learned to that I have to be me. Yes, there are compromises to be made, but not about my core beliefs and morals.

Sometimes, its fun to learn new lessons, sometimes it unbelievably difficult. But at the end of the day, I know its ok because they've all gotten me to where I am today, and all these lessons will be stored and used for the right relationship.

Captured

There are some photographs that make you smile for one reason or another every time you see them. Sometimes they are candid shots that take you back to a moment or sometimes they are the posed shot where everyone looks their best, and that's how you want to always remember them. I was recently looking at some of my photos and found some group shots that I just love. I think they are mostly posed shots, but they capture something that I love. So I figured I'd share them.

This photo was taken at Anna's wedding shower. It was at a fancy golf course or something, so we all had to dress up. But we all look our best. Sara will complain because she's pregnant in the photo, but whatever. Its one of my absolute favorites of all of us. I feel like we look like the group I always wanted to be a part of...the pretty girls who have done alright.

I feel like to fully appreciate the above picture, you have to see where we started, five (maybe six) years prior:

This is one of those pictures where we may not look our best, but that's how we looked. I love these girls still today, eleven years later!

This is another one of those perfect shots. Sure its posed, but we all look our best...and that background...that was the actual sky that night. We were all just so happy.

Just one more...for now...
Senior year. This was our 'family' Christmas card. Yup, we sent out a card with all of us on it to our friends and family and we were darn proud of it. It was one crazy (and slightly hellish) year, but we leaned on each other and made it though. Thanks roomies!

I could load this up with my favorite photographs, but I'll stop here.

Dork.

It used to be an insult to be called a dork, and depending on the context, it still can be. But that being said, I've learned to embrace the dork that I am and confidently roll with it.

I was a tall, lanky, smart girl in school who played in the band and loved science and math. It was the perfect makings for a dork. I wasn't taunted or made fun of in school (at least to my face), I was comfortable in my dorkiness and wasn't really bothered by it...I hadn't embraced it yet, but I knew that I wasn't a bad person and I had plenty of friends. It wasn't until sometime in college that I embraced the fact that I was a dork, I was just a little off from 'normal' and that was okay.

It hit me the other day that in the whole dating process while I'm looking for a tall, good looking guy who's smart, confident, stable and funny, I'm much more attracted to someone when they let it show they too are just a little dorky. While in the fairy tale world, I want the perfect guy, the truth is that would make me uber self-conscious. I would be concerned that I would say the wrong thing or make a fool out of myself. The truth is, when a guy shows his dorky side, I find it endearing.

But there is a line...its not all that 'fine'....its just there...maybe a sliding scale...

Yes, I find it endearing when guys have a bit of a dork inside them, but I'm not looking for all dork. No need to be obsessed with Star Trek or Worlds of Warcraft. I'm not looking for conversations to continually focused around our solar system, the beginning of time or how awesome computers are and how much he knows about them.

But if he lets it slip that his favorite show is MythBusters because its fascinating, or that he can recall random facts that can only be used in trivia games, I find that sexy.

I'll admit it... I ♥ Dorks.

Love

Sometimes life gives you just what you need.

A few weeks ago, I was going through a rough patch (okay maybe for a few months). Work was blah. Life was blah. Relationships were crap. I was just in one of those down times. I had to work one Saturday morning and as I sat at the desk counting down the time until I could leave, one of our special needs kids came in the office. We've been introduced a couple times but he'd never talked to me before. He came right up to me and introduced himself, so politely I introduced myself back. He then took my hand and said, "I love you very much."

I think I almost cried. It was just sweet and unexpected and it was something I needed to hear...even if it was from a random child.

Later that same day I went over to my friend's house. Her two daughters were eating a snack at the table so I went and sat with them and chatted. They told me what they had been up to and how they liked the flower in my hair. I got up at one point to get a drink and the youngest started talking and then said, "You know what, I love you."

There's a line in an old movie that I used to watch with my roommates that said something to the effect of "Little children and old men don't say it for it to be said in return" in reference to "I love you."

Its just something interesting to ponder.

What I've Learned

Since I joined the dating world again recently, there are a few things I've learned. The basic principles never change, but if you're out of the loop for a while, you see some things with fresh eyes when you get back.

Boys & Cars

Call me old fashioned, but I find something yummy about a guy who knows his way around a car. He doesn't necessarily have to be able to take apart an engine and put it back together in working order, but change the oil, fix a belt...you know the basics. But this is what I've learned...my generation of guys don't know how to do any of these things. Or if they do know how to work on cars, they have no other education and very few teeth (I'm making a very general statement there, so I apologize if you, my reader, can work on cars AND read).

What are fathers teaching their sons now a days? Isn't that how fathers and sons are supposed to bond? By working on the family car together? I know, there I go again with my old fashioned-ness Its disappointing that the majority of guys in my generation can barely find the dipstick. Even I know where the coolant goes and what it sounds like if a belt is going bad. Thanks Dad.

Photo Op

Whether we want to admit it or not, we all judge people (just a little) on their appearance. Dating sites are no different. The photo you choose for your online profile can be the difference between attracting someone of your caliber, or attracting someone who...well someone you don't want to attract.

One thing I've noticed though is the type of photos that men are posting (though I've noticed women do to on like Facebook and such...). Self portraits. Honestly, I found it a little off putting at first. Don't you have to be vain to do that? Doesn't that show that you don't have any friends to take pictures of you? Really? You need to capture yourself on film at that exact moment and no one else is around? Hm. I've seen some sites where people have like 15+ picture that they took themselves. Excessive! Right?

And then I started putting together my profile. I started looking through my collection of photos. Funny. I have lots of photos...but I'm the one taking the pictures of other people. And I'm often the only one with a camera. So I've got one with my mom...but I look fat...I've got one with my ex...but that's not appropriate for a dating site...I've got one someone snapped in which I've got a funny face. But where are the cute ones? The ones that highlight my best features and where the sun hits my hair just perfectly? Well I'm not a model, so those don't exist. But, maybe I can get close if I try a couple myself.

So I did. And got one that I actually like. And when I put it on my profile, I got a bunch of new hits! Woo.

The other photos I continuously run across have to do with cars (ironically, ones they don't know a thing about). An oldie but a goodie is the classic, "standing in front of my car." Many times the cars are not that impressive. And I really don't care what you drive (well I prefer its not a junker...but beyond that...). And generally, they just look like a big dork in front of them. The new style photo I've seen popping up combines the previous two...a self portrait in the car...what looks like is taken from the steering wheel while driving. WTF? Really? And I don't understand why it is popping up all over guys' profiles. Not just one or two...but like 50% of them! I don't get it.

---------------------

And this is what I've learned recently. I have a feeling there will be more related posts as I actually start dating. The dating world is crazy and odd and I feel it is now my duty to share it.

I Did It!

As I was skimming through my old posts, I came across the one from last September in which I let my opinion about running be known. My last statement was that I just wanted to be able to say I ran a 5K.

Well guess what!?

I ran a 4 mile race!!

(That's longer than a 5k.)

And I didn't die. And I did it in a decent time.

I'm pretty proud of myself and have been telling everyone.

Now I didn't do it without some help. It started back in April, when a friend convinced me to check out the Building Steam program. It was a running training program that was to get you trained for the Steamboat Classic, a 4 mile race. It was supposed to be for runners of all abilities. I had just gotten out of a relationship, so I figured 1. it would help me get out and meet people, 2. it would help me get out and meet guys, and 3. it would help me get into shape (since #2 was going to occur). So I went and signed up for it.

Every Wednesday evening, I would meet up with my group and run. The first night was like a time trial...we had to run one mile and then according to our time we were placed in groups. That was the first mile I'd run since high school...and I'm not even sure I ran a full mile in high school! But I wasn't all that bad. I landed in an 11:30 pace group. The group started with a three minute run, three minute walk and from that worked up to 4 miles! All while keeping our pace of 11:30. I didn't want to go every week, but I almost always made myself (only missed two weeks). I always felt good afterward. I even ran a few times on my own.

Sadly though, I did not meet any new people. No new men. But I have a new appreciation for running. On multiple occasions it made me think of the ad from "What Women Want"

Triumphant Return

Its been a long time since I've blogged. I've missed it.

As my comeback, I'm going to share a video that was shared on Facebook this afternoon by one of my 'friends.'

Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"



A reminder that there are positive things all around us if we look.

So here is my list:
I love my dog. I love my cat. I love my mom. I love my dad. I even love my brother. I like my house and my car. I like my hair and getting haircuts. I like my job. I like the stories of 4 year olds. I like this mild weather. I like my vegetable garden in my back yard. I like swimming. I like reading. I love chocolate cake. I like writing. I like designing. I can do anything good!